I was very moved by this beautiful video, and the many affiliated videos, for One Billion Rising.
These folks have captured the essence of positive change as I think of it. They are focusing on the beauty, vitality and preciousness of women to inspire all of us to help bring full rights and protection to all women. And they do it through invigorating music, dance, and testimonials.
Even the videos that show heart-rending examples of abuse end with inspiring power and beauty!
Plus, as a male, I feel completely inspired to be part of this movement. This topic is close to my heart anyway, but the way it is approached is completely positive for all except those actively abusing others. Even some of them can hopefully be inspired to change their ways by the beauty and power of billions of people rising as one around the world.
Some of the other OBR videos that really captured my heart.
Reframing: This is a powerful motivational tool. Reframing our language helps us to influence the “inner movies” that we and others see in our minds. This can make a huge difference in how others perceive us and what we’re telling them. This is also true with family and friends. This truly can help “Make Friends and Influence People”. Because of our caveman, our immediate gut reactions are often to focus on risks and only see problems. This can blurt out “caveman comments” that activate F Responses in others. Going Positive reframes create inner movies in people’s minds of the goals and the action needed to reach them. They also inspire the emotion needed to motivate people to action.
Wendy and Kevin, of the Litle & Co’s Leadership University class of 2012, give real-life examples of how they use reframes for great leadership.
Here are some other great examples of wonderful reframes from one of Litle’s stars. More will follow in later posts.
Personal Reframes
Student with daughter Susan (age 9)
Susan and I watched the video on Bob’s blog “Influencing your Inner Movie – The Thinker & The Caveman” together. Susan was eager to “get to the caveman” portion of the video. As we were viewing the overview of the caveman…
Susan: “Caveman. That’s like Ellen when she’s fighting with me!” (Ellen is her 7 year old sister)
Lisa (mommy): “Yes, that’s right!”
Susan: “Or like you when you yell at me.”
Lisa (mommy): “Yes…that’s why mommy is taking this class. So I make better choices and reframe my words to be more positive.”
We talked about caveman behaviors and thinking behaviors, positive and negative comments and even about our Inner Movie. Caveman and Thinking behaviors seem to resonate the most with Susan. We agreed going forward when we got upset with each other or saw caveman behavior in each other we would use a shared “code word” as a reminder to reframe and choose our words more carefully. Susan picked our code word: octopus flare. I agreed it was good choice and would definitely snap me out of my caveman moment!
We’ve reference the caveman and thinker throughout this week since our lesson – and our code word is definitely working. It’s impossible NOT to smile (and laugh) when you’re saying/hearing octopus flare!
Student with John (husband)
I shared the lesson of The Thinker & The Caveman with my husband John after my conversation with Susan. John’s first observation was how Susan was quick to recognize/call out caveman behaviors in others, but not herself. J
Over the course of this week we’ve talked each night about different segments of the training. Slightly different from my lesson with Susan, John and I have focused more on inner movie, reframing and 10:1 positive to negative comments. And our greatest challenge: TONE.
We both realize an opportunity to reframe our communications with the girls to be more in line with the 10:1 positive to negative comments. Most obvious has been our combined efforts to shift from telling them what NOT to do and reframing it into HOW to do something differently.
We also talked about the Chameleon Effect. Specifically making judgments/assumptions about the girl’s abilities or presumed limitations (our inner movies perhaps?) and allowing that to guide our approach with them. The story of the teacher with gifted/non-gifted children really hit home on the potential negative ramifications.
We’re not perfect – but we are definitely more aware! As you’ll see in the reframe examples following…
Business Reframes
I. Caveman Urge: I wanted to ask a team member what they were thinking (sarcastically and with annoyance!!!) offering a client a free trial after we’d already offered the trial as a risk free trial (pay for service upfront with a money back guarantee).
Reframe: I checked my temper and my inner movie and took the time to ask some qualifying questions about what conversations led up to the discussion and how the offer evolved.
Result: Instead of letting my caveman loose and my temper run wild, I asked questions and took time to listen and understand how the situation evolved. In doing so I learned the team member was inadvertently not included in several key discussions leading up to the client call, limiting their insight and resulting in lack of direction. I took the opportunity to review the sequence of events, apologize for my oversight in the process and offer positive observations on where the team member took initiative and responsibility to move the opportunity forward.
II. Caveman Urge: My seven year old daughter, Ellen, is having some trouble with separation anxiety in the morning before going to school. I wanted to tell her not to be sad and to focus on happy things versus how much she misses mommy and daddy during the day.
Reframe: I remembered that referencing the feelings of sadness and missing us would bring up the feelings/thoughts that caused her to be upset in the first place. So instead I said, “I feel like today is going to be a great day!” and steered the conversation toward activities happening that day that I knew she liked (e.g. gym, recess, etc.).
Results: The first day it took a lot of reframing/redirecting and we still had some tears. Today she was less focused on sadness/missing and more focused on feeling like it would be a good day.
III. Caveman Urge: I wanted to tell my nine year old daughter Susan that there would be no more TV in the morning before school unless she started listening to me (and moving faster) when I told her it was time to get dressed and ready for school. (In a loud, frustrated tone)
Reframe: I stopped to consider how my previous comments along those lines had failed to make any difference in our morning routine, and potential for conflict. I thanked Susan for making her bed that morning before being asked and asked her what else was needed done before we headed out to the bus stop.
Results: Susan brushed her teeth and her hair without further prompting and I kept my anxiety (and unnecessary caveman comments) to myself. That night before bed we talked about ideas of things we could do to make getting ready in the morning smoother and less rushed and agreed to set our clothes out the night before.
Who knew that Going Positive could have so many great results. Here is a wonderful speaker talking about great research showing so many advantages to smiling often!
This is my favorite thing to teach. Being able to positively influence oneself is a critical skill for anyone increasing success, happiness, and even health.
There will be more videos teaching how to apply these concepts and tools in your life.
Stay tuned!
(note: Safari seems to have trouble playing this video. Please use a different web browser.)
Shawn Achor is a dynamic speaker and writer on this topic.
His take, through the Harvard Business Review on positive intelligence is a fantastic example of putting the science of happiness ahead of outdated conventional wisdom.
Even though he is a “competitor” of sorts I can only speak highly of everything I’ve seen him put out there.
Rock on, Shawn! You are a major player in what I call the Positive Change Revolution!
Michael and will be leading workshops on how to have a ‘best company to work at’ in the morning with the Breakfast with the Best and in the afternoon at the Culture Con.
Steps to a Culture of Passion
At Breakfast With The Best we’ll be hearing from the 10 best companies to work for in NH. Plus the gathering of 300-400 will be sharing their top practices as well! Come for great ideas and fun connections.
When I wrote “The Optimism Advantage,” I was already sold on Seligman’s work on learned optimism. But in doing preparation for the book, I found other research that indicated that optimists are realists. It makes sense. If earned optimism comes from a track record of overcoming obstacles, than you’ve had the experience of facing, analyzing and overcoming problems. To do that, you have to really understand and accept the problem. They are realists because they believe that by understanding a problem, they can cope more effectively. Here are a couple of quotes that I saved that points this out.
“The myth: Optimists are amiable (probably IQ-challenged) Pollyannas who shield themselves from bad signs and aren’t prepared when trouble strikes. Lisa Aspinwall, a University of Maryland psychologist, got $50,000 for work showing just the reverse. She found that happy, optimistic people are more willing than pessimists to read bad news about their health habits and more willing to learn about their failures on tests. They also remember bad news longer than pessimists do. Far from being unrealistic Pollyannas, optimists give up sooner than pessimists when presented with unsolvable problems, Aspinwall discovered. ‘Pessimists may not want to know bad news about themselves because, unlike optimists, they don’t think there’s anything they can do about it,’ she says. Optimists may want to know where they’ve erred ‘so they can improve later—of course, they think they can improve.’ And their open approach promotes better relationships. Optimistic couples are more likely than pessimists to bring up what’s bothering them so it can be resolved. ‘They may be more confident that they can solve things,’ Aspinwall says, ‘but when something can’t be solved, they seem to recognize that earlier.’” Marilyn Elias (USA Today, 5-16-2000)“Numerous studies show that optimists, far from protecting their fragile vision of the world, confront trouble head-on, while it is pessimists who bury their heads in the sand of denial. In a 1993 study of women newly diagnosed with breast cancer, the women with an optimistic disposition were more likely to acknowledge the seriousness of the disease, experienced less distress and took more active steps to cope with it. ‘Pessimism was associated with denial and a giving up response.’ Said Charles Carver of the University of Miami, who conducted the study with Micahel Scheier of Carnegie Mellon University. ‘Optimism was associated with positively reframing the situation, with women believing, ‘This is not going to go away, so let me make the best of it I can.’’Carver said.” Terence Monmaney (LA Times, 1-5-2000, pp. A1, 15)
“A study of 78 men with AIDS provided evidence that optimists live longer. Those who indicated that they had a realistic view of their disease’s course died an average of nine months sooner than those who were optimistic about postponing the end…. The central paradox of positive thinking is clear—Clinging to the belief in a positive future against reasonable odds sometimes makes it happen.” Shelley Taylor, Positive Illusions” (January 8, 2000, 4A, Sun-Sentinel, South Florida)
Dr. Terry Paulson is a psychologist, professional speaker, columnist and author of the popular books “The Optimism Advantage,” “Leadership Truths One Story at a Time,” “Making Humor Work,” and “They Shoot Managers Don’t They?”
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